About three weeks ago I got a text from my mom that said she was on her way to a Trump rally, ending with a happy face like I am supposed to be happy for her. IT HAD MY HEAD SPINNING and I only answered “ok” because I didn’t want to say what I was screaming in my head. The next morning I was still tripping about when my email started to blow up. They were from my mom and there waswere a million pictures of her and her husband at the rally.
I didn’t handle it well and wrote a scathing email back, telling her to stop sending me fucking pictures, I was disgusted she was supporting a person and platform that is homophobic, racist, misogynist, xenophobic and has the literally KKK backing it.
Some background: My mom has always been a Republican and she’s religious so she’s pretty conservative. We were estranged for seven years before I reached out to her a couple of years ago and started rebuilding our relationship. A lot has changed and while it was hell at times, the estrangement did a lot of good because it really helped me elevate my thinking. Not that I was bad but my mom had a lot of “New Black” in her mixed with religion. I broke free but it was so heavily conditioned into my mind that it sometimes still pops up (but it’s not anything I can’t shake off.)
As a teen, I rebelled a lot because I didn’t agree with her views. And even though we butted heads and she was super moody at times, we had a decent relationship. I didn’t tell her a lot of things that was going on because she’s old-fashioned and too religious. However, it wasn’t completely terrible and we had a lot of fun times. (She was also a fugitive and did some time in prison. Maybe it was just wishful thinking but I figured that would have lightened her up a bit.)
Anyhow, the fact that I wrote “fucking” sent her into a tizzy (she can’t even stand the word “damn” so this was acid in her ears) and she demanded I never speak to her that way again and said that it was terrible that I was spoke to her like some lowlife and she always supported me even when she doesn’t agree with me. To which I responded with “Goodbye mom.”
I sat on this for about a day and then wrote a longer email outlining my points. I didn’t want her thinking that we are disagreeing because I’m liberal and she’s conservative. I didn’t want her thinking that I’m cutting her out over something like politics. There has been all sorts of evil, vile words that shitstain and his equally shitty running mate has said to offend and alienate everyone (except, of course, straight white men) and I pointed this out. But what was really (and still is) hurting the most and deeply is that she didn’t even seem to care about the banning of Muslims. We have Muslims in our fucking family.
Long story somewhat short: my grandmother is evil (and the contributing factor to why we were estranged for years) and my mom is not my grandmother’s favorite and she has always let my mom know this. My grandmother was extremely abusive to my mom and my mom decided to cut her out of her life (which led to us being cut off the rest of the family.) It was just me, the cats and mom for a long while.
When I was 15 I started getting my hair done by a young, African woman (whom we’ll call Zee) and, because I was her “most patient client” and because West Africans are the epitome of hospitality and kindness, we ended up befriending Zee and her husband and eventually got accepted as part of their family.
We did everything together: holidays, vacations, dinners, everything. Zee ended up having three kids, that I ADORE. They have been a huge blessing in every way possible; I’m not being hyperbolic when I say the course of my life has been drastically but positively altered because of my African family. My mom’s too, as she had the extra help that single parents deserve. And Zee and her family did so wholeheartedly, not questions, because we were FAMILY. So when mom’s criminal past caught up with her and she became a fugitive, Zee and her husband were the ones that tried to keep my mom’s finances and business afloat. And when my mom turned herself in, they sent her things, visited, sold her house and help keep her money safe and invested.
Anyhow, my mom got out, a bunch of things happened between her and Zee. My mom apparently kept using Zee, her money and her credit so Zee, realizing that my mom was showing Zee who she really is and she should believe her, cut her out of her life.
My mom has expressed severe regret over what happened between them, so much so that she put Zee in her life insurance policy and her will. She is always remorseful about how she played Zee and her money.
All of this I reminded to my mom. I reiterate over and over how Muslims were in our family and we owed almost everything to them. I wrote over and over again that she’s aligning with someone who doesn’t think our family shouldn’t be here and that nothing she is going to say will justify this. Nothing.
This really hurts because I do want a relationship with my mom. But how? Like I told her, everything the party she is supporting goes against everything I am for in my life and goes against her best interests (I told her she was just some token Negro to Drumpf as my mom is almost 60, black and an ex-felon; he and the party doesn’t give a shit about her.) One of my best friends since high school Dee (my mom knows her!) is a lesbian and who will likely be walking me down the isle with our other best friend who works directly with Syrian refuges. Dee is very active in the LGBTQ community in our hometown, which is dangerous because our hometown is COUNTRY and she and her girlfriend get threats and scary confrontations happen to them a lot (I sent them both Tasers and pepper spray because it can be dangerous.) I consider myself an ally to their community. As far as I’m concerned, Orange Foolius’ rise to power was because so many racists and bigoted relatives went unchecked when they spewed out their hatred so I personally feel I’d be the biggest piece of shit if I just swept my mom’s views and her support for him under the rug. Isn’t that what integrity is?
I was pretty brutal in my email; I told my mom she was just like her mom (racist, bigoted and betraying those who love her) and that there was no place for anti-equality in my life. I ended it telling her she needs to figure out where this self-hate is coming from.
I’m baffled because I don’t remember her having this type of side to her but some memories are making me question a lot of our past conversations. It’s confusing though because I’m not sure if what I remembering is accurate or if my frustration are exacerbating my memories.
There’s no lesson here. This was hard to do.
