Buckle up y’all.

So I know I’ve talked about my job in hospice, and I have alluded that it’s a family business but the full on, no holds barred truth is it’s my mom’s small business. And I came home and helped her build it and ran it for four years.

Now when I tell you I ran that place, I ran it. I worked there almost 24/7 and nothing could be done without me, like nothing. And any responsibilities that were my mom’s that she didn’t feel like doing, where shuffled off onto me. Cause Martha will figure it out who cares. Cut to now, I quit working there in January.

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I was over being talked down to. I was over being yelled at all the time, for things I couldn’t control. I was over doing half of my mom’s job. And most importantly I was doing a job, that was making me miserable and that I know I wasn’t meant to do. I still help out occasionally, really, only when I need money, but that’s about it. My mother is not the type of person who knows how to say she’s sorry and nothing is ever her fault, ever, and she is always the victim. Always.

I walk into the office the other day, and the new clinical manager is like, so...you basically ran this place huh? umm yeah. I’ve BEEN saying that, but whatever. The company is basically broke, because I was the one that always looked at quickbooks and would bully the accountant, and when we would get the budget, I was the one that made sure we would stick to it, even when EVERYONE hated me for it. My mother seriously overspent to the point where they are essentially living paycheck to paycheck from medicare. We are completely out of compliance cause I was the one that would make sure we were making the correct number of visits from all the disciplines. And through all of this my mother would berate me, embarrass me in front of staff. If I told a staff member they couldn’t do something, they would just go to her and then she would say they could do it, and then when there was a problem later she would yell at me about it and say that I should have told her or made clear, what it is they wanted to do. I was the one that would discipline staff cause she hated to do it. Like I said I ran the place.

Anyway so one of her business partners, let’s call her Tamara, calls me up and they’re like, hey I want to take you out to lunch let’s talk. Now Tamara, now, knows everything that has happened. I get there and we start talking and she’s like, what’s going on between you and your mom and Im like. We don’t speak. She’s goes, well you know that’s your mom, and I got a call from “Hannah” (My mom’s other friend) and Hannah is worried cause apparently your mom is like, she wants to kill herself, cause you’re not there anymore.

And, I do not want my mom to hurt herself. Period. She also needs to take some responsibility for what she has done. First I have to go live my life. I have to, like when is enough, enough? How much longer do I have to put my life on hold for her business, which have ALWAYS told her I didn’t want and have no interest in. And I know I am good at it, but I am a smart person and I am good at a lot of things that doesn’t meant it makes me happy.

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You know, I keep it together, and I don’t share a lot so people think I am fine, but I am, but this is hard too. this is painful for me too. Ugh. It just sucks. All this shit sucks