Bitch, what the fuck?

Triple Frontier is a movie on Netflix. The plot is like, I dunno Narcos light or something. The movie is about a bunch of white men in the US military who go and terrorize a bunch of brown people and steal money from them because of course, they do. It’s got all the classic South American tropes. It’s a heist movie. Whatever, who cares that’s not what’s important. This is what is important.

You guys. This is the cast.

Ben Affleck. Charlie Hunnam. Garrett Hedlund. Pedro Pascal. Oscar Issac.

Ben Affleck aside, let me retype that.

Charlie Hunnam. Garrett Hedlund. Pedro Pascal. Oscar Issac.

In the 2 hours and 10 min runtime of this movie, no one got naked. No one. No one even took their shirt off. I sat through two hours of US Imperialist military propaganda, phallic gunfire, nonsensical explosions, AND NO ONE GOT NAKED!?!?

You know what, shout out to Kurt Sutter. Kurt Sutter understood. Kurt Sutter knew what the people wanted. Kurt Sutter was like, listen, I understand that I just made you sit through watching a bunch of vaguely racist white people on motorcycles so, here’s Charlie without a shirt. Here’s Charlie naked. I’m a real one, I’m not gonna play you like that.

An hour in, I thought, I bet Ben is the only one who is going to take off their shirt because the ocean is full of plastic and Trump is President. Then I got to the end, and I was like, Jesus didn’t die on the cross for this. THIS AIN’T IT.

Advertisement

So what should you take from this gentle reader?

THAT SATAN IS REAL AND HIS EVIL COMES IN ALL FORMS LIKE HAVING A MOVIE WITH A CRAZY HOT CAST AND NO ONE TAKES OFF THEIR SHIRT NOT ONCE.

Advertisement

Thank you. This has been a Martha review.