I have been AWOL! I’m so sorry! Things are just fucking great with me and if feels like all the stars are aligning in my life.
I just started third semester in my program, still planning on graduating next June but will be taking an extra semester to do some post-graduate work which means I’ll just be working on my manuscript and nothing else (for this semester, I have a 15-20 page critical paper due on top of my monthly graduate writing and reading assignments and I have to get my field study in so I’ll also be working on a literary magazine.) However, I lucked the fuck out and get to work under one of the top writers in their respective field for the next five months. I really, really, really, really, want to tell y’all who it is but I can’t because it’s big enough name that I’ll end up doxxing myself. But it’s someone that you all know and it’s like a fucking dream come true. I cried like a baby while thanking my department chairs for putting me with this professor because this person was the #1 choice for about 75% of the students.
On a more personal note: Y’ALL...I flew out to visit Tanya, aka, my mom and things are much better. Long story short, after a terrible bout of depression and struggling with where it was coming from, my therapist suggested that since I can’t seem to move forward if I didn’t get answers for the past, to call my mom. I was reluctant (read: stubborn) about NOT doing this but I finally sent out an email and mom called and just said she was a shit person, a shit parent, she made shit decisions and shit parental decisions and that was the long and short of it. What really pissed me off though was that she said she didn’t reach out over the years because she thought she’d make it worse because any time she tried to approach me, I was really cold to her. I said “yes bitch, how am I supposed to act when my own mother told me she’d rather be childless than get honest with me??” I told her she made it worse by staying away because it just confirmed to me that she was only worried about herself. I will say that this is just something I’m never going to be able to forgive: her just letting me live all hurt like that for so long because she was afraid she’d look bad.
After I sent her my last letter telling her all about herself, she took the letter to a therapist to figure out what exactly she was blind to (because apparently all the shit I have said to her fell on deaf ears.) Regardless, the therapist was like “after reading this letter, you still don’t understand why your daughter is done with your shit?” My mom: “I mean, kinda.”
Anyhow, things are clearly different but I feel like I have a lot of *power*. I mean, I’ve cussed her out twice now, read her every which way, so I have no issues telling her to back off and mind her boundaries, which I’ve had to do a few times because she thinks she’s helping when she’s just being overbearing. I see that it’s not coming from a malicious place though; she just feels awful and guilty about ignoring me for over a decade. I told her that’s fine but her absence made me a lot more self-reliant and her constant inquiry into how she can help me is making me uncomfortable.
It’s going better because I’ve been putting my foot down on many things. I flew out to Colorado to see her (GORGEOUS state! I really love it) and she was fussing over me because she hadn’t seen me in years so I told her to stop because it was driving me crazy. I told her to back off when she started up again because I was trying to eat. We had a long talk the morning that I left and I had to correct her in some assumptions about me, explaining that she does not know me the way she think she does. I told her that while my foundation is the same, I’ve gone under several renovations.
I know these seem small but it’s giant leaps for me. I told her she’s got to realize I’m not 16, 18 or 22, I’m 35 and not here for a lot of shit that I was at those ages. In fairness, she has been more than receptive and understanding and that’s the only reason this is working. And I really want to see Colorado again so I’ll probably go sometime in October.
How’s everyone? How are things? How is life?